


Lovesick Schoolgirl

by softbookboi



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Background Relationship, Baz and simon - Freeform, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Boys’ Love, Canon Gay Relationship, Coming Out, Cute, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, Deprivation of Love, Developing Relationship, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Flustered Baz Pitch, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Panic, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, Magic, Making Out, Male Slash, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Romantic Fluff, Self-Denial, Simon in Denial, Snogging, SnowBaz, True Love, Unrequited Love, bas is insecure, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-20 12:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19991947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softbookboi/pseuds/softbookboi
Summary: Baz is sitting in class and starts doodling all kinds of Snowbaz stuff in his notebook.When he’s snapped out of his musings and realises he’s doing it, he starts blushing. And then - curse his luck - the teacher calls on him to answer a question.He just starts blubbering and stammering and since Simon is there, its even worse.After class, he’s visited by Simon before he can sneak off to their room to take a nap and Simon insists of Baz telling what he was writing in his notebook because he thinks that Baz is plotting something.Baz refuses but Simon grabs it and before he’s able to open it, Baz lights it up on fire and then watches it burn to ashes.After Baz leaves, Simon becomes hell-bent on figuring out what was in that notebook.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my third fic on ao3 yayyyyy!  
> this fic is based on that ONE LONG SNOWBAZ TUMBLR HEADCANON. you know which one im talking about. the one where baz writes all snowbaz stuff in his notebook. i decided to write the prompt up until baz lights the notebook up on fire and the after that, the whole plot is mine, but the prompt’s. enjoy :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> third book on ao3 yayyyyy

**Baz**

I think I'm dying.

This lesson is so boring that I feel like watching Snow try to cast a simple spell without messing it up would be more interesting. (Of course, that definitely would be more interesting. Snow looks adorable when he’s trying hard to concentrate. He bites his lip, then sticks his tongue out, which looks so perky and dainty and cute, like a small child. I would be delighted to watch him try to cast a spell. Any spell.) (Merlin, could I get any more pathetic?) 

I'm currently sitting in Miss Possibelf’s class, trying not to dose off. I normally quite like her class, she’s a good teacher and I get to see Simon try to cast spells, but today, the lesson (that I’ve already learned before), her ridiculous way of teaching it (she’s literally doing it so wrong that it’s going to take our class a week to master this spell) and the fact that I didn’t get enough sleep last night because I was down in the Catacombs draining rats for a long time (I hadn’t drunk in so long, I felt as if I were about to pass out) all combined together are making me hate this lesson.

I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but I can feel the occasional magic drifting off of Snow which means that he keeps giving me surreptitious-but-not-so-much glances which are basically a siren to pry my eyes open for the rest of the class. I have a free period after this, I could go to my room and nap. But right now, I need to concentrate on staying awake and alert because the slightest little slip-up could send Snow on one of his absurd plans on making me reveal what I'm ‘plotting’ to him. Oh, that poor, beautiful boy.

I'm sure he was awake when I came back last night. I could recognize the pattern of his breathing as the one when he’s awake. He didn't say anything but I know the gears in his head were turning and he must've figured that I would be out drinking.

I can't really seem to believe that properly though. Whenever Snow deduces something related to me or my vampirism, I can't really seem to believe it. He infers that but still can't seem to infer the biggest thing that'll make killing me much easier.

I sometimes think about it. Him finding out about my feelings for him. The thoughts terrify me but he also might find them useful to him. He would know how pathetic I was and use that as a way to weaken me when we're at war with each other. (Of course, he's going to win either way. He’s the hero. I love him. I'd die willingly for him.) (But he doesn't need to know that.)

But I still do like to think about him. It's impossible not to. He's always there. In front of me, beside me, behind me, alive and breathing and carrying on. It's impossible not to act like a lovesick little 3rd Year girl and think about his brown locks or his blue eyes or his cute, scrunched nose when he's trying to open up a box or something. How can I not? These are feelings and I can't push them down no matter how much I want. (I want to. I want to so bad.)

I hate imagining him coming near me with a soft look. Pulling me into a hug. Snogging me until I've forgotten how to function. Holding my hand. Loving me back.

I hate imagining this. So much. It just reminds me of the fact that Snow hates me. He will never love me. He’s not even going to be my friend, I ruined any chance of that when I started being a git to him in 1st Year. I was 11 years old! What was I supposed to know about feelings and that mushy gushy stuff? All I knew was that there was a beautiful boy with bronze locks and blue eyes holding out a hand to me, offering peace and unity between us...and a chance to be his friend. But the butterflies in my stomach and the remembrance of that I was supposed to be this boy’s enemy caused me to make irrational decisions.

Perhaps if I had become his friend I would've known all his abysmal qualities (not that he’d have any) and not liked him because of them. Of course, that would mean that I was a horrible person but still. (I am a horrible person, though. A monster. A vampire.)

The amount of time I spend thinking about what my life could've been like if I were his friend is just ridiculous at his point. It's not like there would be a big change. I would still have to fight him. But at least we would be a bit nice to each other, or at least not fight all the time. That would've been big for me, though. _Anything_ with Snow is big for me.

I wish I had taken his hand. Merlin, I wish I had so fucking much.

All this thinking about Snow just darkens my good even more and I feel him staring at me right now, so I look over and give him my best glare. (Only the best for Snow.)

He gives one back and I imagine him smiling at me instead. Smiling at me with admiration in his eyes. Admiration. Love. I'm feeling lightheaded now and just want to go to my comfortable bed in my room and take a long and comfortable nap.

This is another side-effect of thinking about Snow like this. As cheesy as it sounds, it makes me physically ache because I know it won't ever be true. Ugh, I'm becoming a sap because of him. And I can't think properly.

Snow’s done this to me. Why do I love someone who’s made my all my self-preservation and control go to hell? Aleister Crowley, couldn't I have found some other boy - _or girl -_ to love? Life would be so much easier. _Everything_ would be so much easier. But, of course. Life is never fair.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling too horrible and pitying myself, I think about us. Me and Snow. Us. Dating. Getting married. Adopting children. That makes me feel better, of course, but then I'm feeling even worse later when I'm reminded of how unlikely that is. Correction: how _impossible_ that is. But putting aside my threatening tears because of that, thinking about Snow and I dating really makes me feel better. No matter how unlikely it is, I like thinking about Snow waking me up in the mornings with kisses and calling me darling. Him and I dancing slightly to Elvis Presley and him holding me in his arms like I'm something precious. Him waking up early just to make me food. Him caressing my cheeks and telling me he loves me. Our wedding cards. The invitations. Our first child’s name. The engraved words on his tombstone ( _“thy freckles that sit upon thy golden skin are beautiful and marvellous”_ ) (That's all I have so far.) (I'm quite shitty at old English.)

But if it were old English, then I guess we'd have to-wait.

”All I have so far”?

What does that mean?

I whip out of my musings of Snow and I and - Merlin - discover that I had been writing in my notebook all along. But not notes.

They're little doodles of what I was thinking about earlier and they're _everywhere._

My whole notebook page is filled with them. They're near the corners, on the margins, some of them are even covering my previous notes.

I feel heat rushing to my neck and cheeks when I see a particular doodle of me and Snow kissing, surrounded by hearts of all sizes and “Snowbaz” written at the top. 

_Snowbaz? What is wrong with me?_

My widened eyes explore the expanse of the contents of the page and when I see a tombstone of him, and underneath it, the inscription I was preparing for him, I look at myself from someone else’s point of view and realise that I'm acting like a lovesick person and get freaked out by own myself.

As soon as I see a small drawing of Snow with (once again) hearts surrounding him and a little speech-bubble beside him saying, “I love you, Baz. So fucking much, ” I practically slam the notebook shut and it makes a loud sound. A few kids sitting near me peer at me, curious as to what I just did and why I did it, including Snow.

I specifically ignore Snow’s eyes because I know I'm flushed harder than I've ever been. And I know that it's visible and that the students can see it because some of them are eyeing my cheeks now. I resist a look at Snow cause I don't wanna know what look he's sporting and just state straight ahead, hoping that people will get back to their own business.

But of course, my life has never been that easy.

They all seem to look away, thank God. But then Miss Possibelf eyed me up and down and decided to be the worst teacher ever. She asked me a question.

More specifically, she asked me what was the spell best for what we just learned.

I wasn't listening to what they just learned. I was too busy doodling Snow like a little girl. The thought makes me blush even more and now I'm stammering.

 _Stammering_.

Holy sweet cheese, what has become of me?

I start blubbering too, just like Snow and I feel humiliated.

Basilton Pitch, stuttering and blubbering like an idiot.

I spent so much time creating a cool reputation of complete calmness in all situations. Always calm and collected. Always relaxed. But now all of that is gone and I'm left looking like such an idiot.

I look at the other students in the room and they're all looking at me with incredulous on their faces, obviously noticing my weird change in behaviour. I look at Snow and Crowley, his eyes are blown open and one brow is raised. That's my look. Snow is nailing my look. Oh my God.

He’s noticed my blush too because he's staring right at it. And then he moves his gaze to my eyes. We’re making eye contact and I feel my breath knocked out of my lungs because of those unexceptional eyes that are boring holes into mine, unveiling all of my secrets and deepest desires.

I quickly move my head away and look right to Miss Possibelf. “Uhh, sorry Miss, I-I don’t know the answer.”

She shakes her head and I swear I hear someone gasp a little.

“Alright, sit down then, Baz. And try to pay attention next time in class.”

Even Miss Possibelf looks a bit fazed by my sudden change. I sit down and avoid everyone’s eyes while Miss Possibelf once again drones on and on and on.

Snow doesn't look at me when I sit down. He looks forward and doesn't look my way the great of the lesson. I kind of want him to turn around so that I could see what his expression was and try to read it but I also don't want to because there will be no expression on that face which I want to see directed at me from him.

I still feel a few eyes on me when the bell ring and I practically gallop across the room before anyone else. I force my legs to move faster and take me away before Snow finds me and interrogates me, which I know he will, based on my behavior in the class and how he was looking at me.

But no luck on my part.

I was out in the hall, in front of the students now trailing behind me, trying to get to their next class. (They seemed to lose interest in me now. It was good but I was still terribly humiliated.) I was trying to get out of that place but somehow, Snow ended up in front of me. (I would say he came out of nowhere but that would be logically incorrect.)

He stood in front me, his eyes narrowed in a suspicious way, all trace of the look he was giving me before in class gone. His arms are crossed in front of his chest and he's swaying slightly on his feet, not like he's drunk but like he's trying to figure something out, considering by how he looks me up and down with a frown on his face.

I cross my arms too and glare at him. “What, Snow?”

He snaps out his daze. “What?”

“I said ‘What, Snow?’. I haven’t got all day you know. I have a life.”

He glares at me as well and then I sneer at him. It’s not as sharp as it was before because of the embarrassment but I don’t really care right now.

It seems that Snow does because he looks at me and raises a brow. Just like he did in the classroom. Merlin, how did he learn that? He must’ve practiced in the mirror in the room just to piss me off. 

Well, if that's the case, then it worked. Not only am I seething at him for stealing something that was mine, but he has the audacity to smirk about it. That bastard definitely practiced it to piss me off.

He drops the look, unfolds his hands and then stuffs them in his pocket, obviously trying to look all cool and nonchalant and calm as I do. I’m ecstatic to say that this he doesn’t pull off that well. Of course, I love him. I would like him however he was but if anyone else were to see him like this -anyone who _wasn’t_ in love with him - then they wouldn’t think that he looked cool. I decide not to tell him that and let him wander around school looking like this. I smirk at the thought.

He frowns, catching my smirk, but pulls himself together.

He, then, gets straight to the topic.

“What were you writing in that little notebook of yours?” he asks, voice icy with a hint of something undetectable.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I answer, now trying to be the calm and collected one. I try to walk past him but grabs me by the waist. My breath silently hitches and I pray he didn't hear it.

Lightly, he shoves me back in the position I was in. “You know what I’m talking about, you git.”

“I really don’t, Snow. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to my next class.”

Once again, I try to walk away but he pushes me back. I can tell a few people are eavesdropping on our conversation. I glare at them and they resume walking. When I turn back, Snow is looking at something between my fingers. 

The notebook. Oh, bloody hell.

I was so eager to get out of the goddamn class that I forgot to put it back in my bag and just carried it. Ah, _fuck_.

He looks at me again and lowers his voice an octave which sends shivers down my spine. “What were you writing in the notebook, Basilton?”

Shit. He’s hardly ever called me by my full name. (It’s really fucking sexy.) He only does that when he’s desperately on edge. Ugh, did he somehow get triggered from me writing in a notebook in class? Although, if he does call me by my real name “Basilton”, then there’s always something horribly wrong. What’s wrong this time? The last time he used the full name was when he started following me everywhere in 5th Year.

“What do you think, Snow? Notes for class, _duh_. Didn’t think you were this thick, Snow. Maybe you’re just incredibly stupid, or have too many problems.” It’s a stupid insult and it barely counts as one, I know. But right now, I’m trying not to get a _different_ type of problem in front of him that's caused by his low octave and the stare he’s giving me. A _very_ different kind of problem.

“No, you weren’t. I saw you, Baz. Everyone saw you. You were writing something and then you slammed it shut like it was poison ivy. And then when Miss Possibelf called on you, you started stuttering and blubbering and you weren’t paying attention to her before. And you were _blushing_ , positively way too much for a vampire."

I feel my cheeks redden at his last comment and force them to cool down. “In case you didn’t notice, I’m a human too, you know. I blush too.” It seems like the wrong thing to say, but right now, I don’t really know what to say. “So, for Merlin’s sake, leave me alone. It was nothing but notes, Snow. And I merely dozed off a bit. I thought you, out of all people, would understand that since you have the most experience with it than any other 8th Year. Now, for fuck’s sake, I’m leaving.”

This time, I straighten my posture and force my chin up and bump into him while walking away. But he seems prepared for that, and snatches the notebook as I try to walk away.

I whip around in an instant, heart suddenly speeding up stupendously, and see him standing there with a glint in his eye and says, “I’ll find out what you’re plotting, Baz.”

His dialogue is so utterly ridiculous that it just makes me more angry.

 _He thinks I’m plotting something? The nasty git. What would I plot where I would have to make a fool out of myself in front of my classmates and blush horrendously too. And why would I actually carry it out? I have too much dignity and too good a reputation to do something like that. I’m not Snow._

I grit my teeth. “Snow...give it back.”

“ _No."_

I lunge at him.

It’s half a fist-fight for the bloody notebook and people are watching us but I don’t care. I’ve dealt with worse before. And I can’t let him read what I wrote/drew. It would be too humiliating for a day. I would be outed.

I press hard on his shoulder to push him down and myself up when he holds the notebook over his head and easily grip its spine. He starts to tickle me, the wanker. I grunt, squirm and try not to giggle but it's hard, and he keeps tickling until I start to squirm a bit too much. And the he pushes me off him and my grip on the spine of the book is lost. He turns away from me, holding it tight in his hands.

Suddenly, I’m hit by a humongous wave of panic and nausea. Is he about to run away with it? Is he going to read it if he does? Merlin, yes, he will. I need to get that back.

I’m desperate to. I’m so desperate to get it back that just as he starts to turn away. I mutter a spell and flick my wand a but from my pocket and the notebook burns. Literally. It actually scorches until it’s just ash. A teeny bit of ash in Snow’s palm. Such a small amount that it’s not even overflowing from his palm. Snow and I both just stand and stare it at as it turns. When it finishes, there’s a heavy smell of smoke in the air that's quite similar to Snow’s magic, so I don’t know if it’s the burning of the notebook, his magic, or both.

I’ve had just about enough for today. Without looking at Snow, I turn around and just walk away without another look back.

Snow doesn’t call after me.

**Simon**

I just stand there and Baz walks away, speechless, looking back and forth from the ash and Baz’s walking figure.

Long after he disappears (to our room, he has a free period and so do I), I come to a final decision.

I gently sit down on the ground and slowly rummage through my bag to find a small bag the size of a hand. It can only fit the teeniest of tiniest things. (Penny gave it to me. Her roommate had given this to her and she said that she doesn’t want anything from Trixie.)

I softly open it, careful not to accidentally drop a bit of the ash in my other hand on the ground. I place all of the ash of the notebook into the bag and then lock it up tight.

I then get up and move to go to the library to study a bit (but I know I’m just gonna end up thinking about that notebook and Baz) and then after this period, it’ll be lunch so I’ll tell her about what happened in class and how I need her help to somehow find out what was written on that notebook.

I know it sounds really pathetic but I swear Baz is up to something. Something bad.

Something like that has never happened before in class. Or ever. And by something, I mean Baz losing literally all of his cool and blubbering and blushing in front of everyone. And that’s not even the whole thing.

Last night, Baz was out late and I’m 100% sure that wanker was down in the catacombs, draining rats. Ugh. He came back really late. After midnight. I waited up for him to see when he’s come back and when he finally returned to the room, I acted like I was sleeping. I think he knew that I wasn’t since my pattern of breathing had gone rapid and off-beat because Baz just kind of suddenly came in when I was starting to think that he was going to spend the night somewhere else. But where would he spend it, of course?

He had surprised me, and since my breathing was the only sound in the room, he must’ve heard it and figured I was awake. I’ve memorised his pattern of breathing when he’s asleep. So I can tell when he’s awake. Roommate thing. Not creepy. I’m pretty sure he’s memorised mine too so that it’ll be easier for him to drain me in my sleep.

When he came in, he just climbed onto his bed and fell asleep. Didn’t change, didn’t take off his shoes, didn’t brush his teeth. Just came in and dropped on his bed. I think he was probably tired from plotting all night while draining rats, the vampire.

This morning, in all the classes we had together and outside of classes too, I noticed he was quite tired. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He stayed out almost all night and barely got 4 hours of sleep. He’s probably insanely tired. He really should take a nap, which is why he went into our room, I suppose.

Anyway, I was paying a lot of attention to him, trying to catch a slip-up on his part. Like dozing off in class, so I could confront him about it and ask him where he was last night. Or not paying attention in class. These are things that Baz would almost never do. If he does do them, then it’s entirely un-Baz-like and that means he was doing something tiring like plotting. And these things are exactly what he did.

I caught him in the first lesson almost dozing off. His eyes were so droopy that you could barely see the wet pavement colour in them. (Baz’s eyes always fascinated me. They’re a mix a different tinges of grey. A little dark grey on the outside of the iris, morphing into a deep blue into the sclera. They’re a light hue of a storm perhaps in the middle of the iris and then descend into this dark black-grayish colour in the pupil. All formed together, it looks like a beautiful painting, something a very famous Normal artist might make. Like Picasso. I really envy his eyes, mine are just blue and that's it. Such a pity that those astonishing eyes got wasted on a berk like Baz. Though he is a handsome git. He has slight abs from playing football and he’s one of those guys who could pull off a manbun. Ugh, blighter.)

And then in the previous class, he started scribbling away in his notebook instead of paying attention to Miss Possibelf. I was already sure he was planning something because he was so engrossed in whatever he was writing that he didn’t even notice me stealing glances at him. And that's odd.

A few minutes after I looked away, I - actually, everyone in the class - heard a big slam. Like a notebook getting smacked shut. And we turned to see who had it and of course, it had been Baz. But that wasn't what surprised me. Baz was _flushed_. You could actually see the red in his cheeks, even if you were sitting far away from him.

This obviously shocked me because vampires can’t blush, can they? I guess they can a little bit, something that's barely noticeable. But Baz’s was noticeable. Easily noticeable. But then I remembered that he went to the Catacombs last night and since he stayed so late plotting, he must’ve also drunk a lot.

His luck was poor today. Oh, poor Baz. Just as the peers were starting to move on with the lecture, Miss Possibelf called on him to tell her (and the class) about a spell best for what we just learned. And since Baz wasn’t paying attention before, he didn’t know anything at all about what we were just studying. So he started _stammering and shit._ Like, getting flustered and not being able to form a proper sentence! He started acting like the way I acted, exactly like the kind of behaviour he gave me shit for!

This was _good_. Now, everyone was looking at Baz with weird looks and I kinda started feeling bad for him. If I were in his situation, it wouldn’t be that bad for me. But Baz had a cool reputation. He was the kid who knew the answers in class and was hot and athletic. Someone who oozing confidence. But then, all that went to hell a bit when he started stuttering. And he was also blushing very hard now. Like, his whole fucking face was red.

You could see his embarrassment from a mile away and I was too entranced in his flustered and blushing state to look away or put on a masked expression. He actually looked quite cute in this state and I could tell that a bunch pf the girls seemed to think the same thing. They were ogling Baz with lovesick looks, no doubt making him uncomfortable.

I was actually a bit more focused on his crimson cheeks, and when I looked up, I figured that I better take advantage of this situation. I practiced Baz’s signature expression in the bathroom last night. The raised brow. I did that to him when he looked at me and his eyes widened. Meanwhile, my eyes travelled over his cheeks once again, and I was left to wondering how...adorable they were. (Holy Mother of God, did I just call Baz adorable?!)

But when I once again looked up at him, I was stunned. And apparently, so was he.

We were staring deep into each other’s eyes and I was pretty sure that I had an awed expression on my face. And it just amazed me that even though this is the first time we’ve locked eyes in this type of way, it strangely felt...comfy. Homey. Familiar. And when I noticed Baz’s face, he looked the same. At least, I think.

And that's not even the worst part.

A few micro-seconds after that, I felt this thing in my stomach. It felt like my stomach was doing somersaults or had creatures in it that were flying around haphazardly, and were causing my breath to speed up like a race car.

Like butterflies.

I’m not stupid. I’ve felt that kind of thing before...with Agatha. I know what it means.

But I can’t admit it. It can’t be true. I can see why I would feel homey looking into Baz’s eyes (actually, I don’t) but this? Nuh uh. Not true.

Although...no! Not true!

But...it does make sense a bit, though. Just a bit.

I quickly looked away when I felt that. And Baz told Miss Possibelf that he didn’t know the answer. After that, I spent the whole lesson pondering over the...possibility. I didn’t dare sneak a glance at Baz, though. Not after the hunch I just had.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. How obsessed I’d been with Baz in 5th Year. How I find his smell of cedar and bergamot like home. And his eyes too. How I love the shade of his eyes and am almost always thinking about what shade the middle changed to this time. How I always felt a bit bad after our rows. _How I stayed up last night to wait for him to come back!_

Oh Merlin, was that just an excuse to wait up for Baz?

This all makes so much sense that it’s scary. I can’t possibly have feelings for Baz. Thats absurd. And he’s my enemy. And arch-nemesis. And we’re going to have to kill each other. (Hmph, I can’t fight him now. After discovering this.)

No. No, I’m wrong. I can’t be right. I’m probably too hung up on Agatha (even though I seemed quite fine the last few weeks) so now I’m just making up crushes. And even if I actually like Baz that way, it’s only a crush. It’ll go away.

(Although, I highly doubt a 7 year long crush is just a crush.)

The bell indicating that lunch has begun startles me out of my Baz-filled musings and I practically run out of the door to our usual table and sit down, waiting for Penny to arrive so I ask her help on what spell would help me read what was inside the notebook. At least what he wrote today.

I look over at Baz’s table.

He’s not there. He’s still asleep upstairs. 

I fiddle with my jumper. This could be a Baz plot! To make me have feelings for him and then break my heart! It could be!

I need Penny’s help with this, desperately. I _have_ to find out what was in that book. And I’m pretty sure that I’ve heard Penny say something about these types of spells once. That help you put together broken things. I’m not sure if it’ll work on something burned, but I have to try. I can’t just _accept_ these feelings for Baz and try to hide them. 

What if this actually is Baz’s plot? Oh my God. Please let it not be. I’m still not sold on the fact that I have feelings for Baz. That’s not really something you easily believe, especially when its your arch-nemesis who you lov- _like!_

Who you like. Not love. 

As I was saying, I’m still not sure, but every moment that passes, I keep getting more and more convinced of this. And I’m going to have to tell Penny about this and ask her for advice. 

Oh Crowley, that’s going be an awkward conversation. I am not at all looking forward to that conversation at all. 

Maybe I’ll tell her later. When I’ve discovered what the contents of the notebook are. Yeah, that’ll be the perfect time to tell Penny. 

And while I think about Penny, I see her walking over from her class to the our table and wave frantically. She gives me a puzzled look but then starts jogging to the table.

As she sits down, she asks, “What’s up?”


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im quite proud of this chap hehe

**Simon**

I tell Penny everything. She thinks I'm crazy.

"Simon," she says, emphasising my name. "You're acting irrational. How am I supposed to know that Baz really created a huge scene in class? And what if he really was just taking notes? How are you so sure that it was a plot? Maybe he just remembered something. And _he was obviously just taking notes!"_

The students on the tables surrounding us look over as Penny practically yells at me. I look down bashfully, embarrassment taking over me. She sighs, apologising and then turns to me again when the students are back to their own business.

I actually didn't tell Penny everything.

I didn't tell her about what I felt when I looked at Baz. I don't know how she'll react and I don't wanna lose her. She's my best friend. She won't object to me being gay, but she probably will object to me having feelings for my worst enemy (or worst crush).

But I'm not sure. I'm just scared. This is all so weird and so new yet all so familiar. And it's moving way too fast. I only had the revelation an hour ago of Baz, and I'm still not that sure. (That's a lie. While telling Penny, I kind of realised that I was being really creepy and obsessive and I had done these types of things before so it makes the perfect sense.) (I'm done for.)

The thought of feelings for someone isn't new to me. I had feelings for Agatha. But Baz? That's different. One, I'm going to have to think about my sexuality. (But that will be later. I need to focus on more important matters right now.) 

Two, I had feelings for Agatha since about a few years ago, but it all fizzled out eventually. I even knew that before I knew about my feelings for Baz. I knew it while me and Agatha were dating. I wanted to break up with her, but I felt like it would be too mean and I didn't wanna lose her as a friend, so I didn't. Until she broke up with me. She said the exact same words that I would've said if I were the one dumping her. So I guess we both wanted to break up, but didn't have the courage to do it.

Three, this is Baz we're talking about. My arch-nemesis. The one I'm supposed to battle before I battle the Humdrum. I'm getting used to the idea of it being Baz a bit, but it's obvious that it can never happen because he hates me. He literally tried to feed me to a chimera in 3rd Year. Of course he hates me. He would never have feelings for me. And even if he did (which is impossible), we'd have so much stuff standing in our way. The Mage. The Old Families. Politicks. Politicks wouldn't let us be together. They would make our life hell. I'm willing to fight them, fight for our rights. Because they don't get to control us. We shouldn't be their pawn. But Baz. I don't think he'd try that. (Of course, that is if he had feelings for me.) I would. I've had feelings for Baz for a long time, even if I didn't realise it. That has to mean something. 

Four, didn't he like Agatha? He tried to break us up for years and even subtly flirted with her. But ever since he had broken up, he kind of forgot about her. He hardly ever glanced her way and didn't really chat with her. He just...forgot about her. And I'm pretty sure that Agatha liked him. She blushed whenever he would look at her or talk to her. I don't really know how she feels now. Ever since we broke up, we just stopped hanging out. She stopped sitting with us and talking to us. And she even goes out of her way to avoid us now. I think it's because she probably thinks that Penny and I are dating now. We aren't, though. We're best friends. She used to think we liked each other. I think that's another reason why she thought we should break up.

Right now, even though I know that I like Baz, I'm still not sure that he isn't pulling something. There actually is a chance that he might be plotting, and getting me to fall for him is a part of his plan. (But I don't think he'd do it willingly though. If it is a plot, then I think that the Old Families might have told him to do that even before he came to Watford. Baz isn't necessarily a horrible person. He is a git. But..a not-so-bad git. Like if he ever liked someone or were friends with someone, he'd still be really snarky and sarcastic, but he would be a good friend too. I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm not good with words.)

If he is plotting, then I need to know. Desperately. Because that is bad. Really bad. Now that I know that I have feelings for him, he could easily use that to his advantage, to make me weak. Willingly, unwillingly. And that look I got from him in class. That affected me. More than it should have. So I need to know if he was planning something like that so that I can be prepared and not fall for whatever he's trying to pull.

I need to know that he isn't planning to make me fall for him and then break me before I actually fully accept these thoughts. Before I go around lusting after him and having daydreams and shit. Before I allow myself to actually think about what will happen next. (I won't be able to fight him. I was never able to fight him, I just thought I wanted to because that was a way to cope with these feelings I hadn't realised before. But now I really can't.)

But how do I explain this to Penny without actually telling her everything? I won't lie to her, she's my best friend, I wouldn't do something like that.

And this time, she actually seems done with my shit. I can practically see the fume coming out of her ears from frustration at my doings.

Can I do this without Penny? No. No, I can't. I don't know how to find these type of spells. How to find the correct one for this. And they're really old and most of them are illegal too. I need her help with this.

I'll have to tell her. I'm going to have to tell Penny. Merlin. When I stepped into the dining hall, I didn't think that I would have go explain everything to Penny. I'm totally unprepared. I just thought she would disapprove but still help me. That's what she always does. I just assumed that's what she'd do now too. I didn't think that she'd probably had had enough.

I guess it was wrong of me to think that. Penny's a person too. I can't just use her for myself.

I take a deep, shaky breath, trying to prepare myself for this impromptu confession. She looks at me while sporting a puzzled expression. She already knows that I have something big to tell her. She's smart and since she knows me very well, she can tell that this must be big for me, so she's just sitting there. She's allowing me to take my time, not forcing me to tell her right now.

"I-I'm not sure that he's actually plotting something, but...I just-I really need to know. It's important. I can't risk it."

My voice wavered at the last sentence, and I avoided Penny's eyes. I couldn't get myself to tell her the whole thing unless she didn't ask. And I know that she's going to ask now.

Her hand creeps up on mine, grabbing it and squeezing softly, reassuringly. I know she has a sweet look on her face now, that shows that she's not pushing me to tell her anything.

"Why do you need to know, Simon? Why can't you risk it?" She says this in a really small voice, so as not to let anyone let anyone else hear what I'm about to say. I stay quiet for a long time, and finally, muster up enough courage to look up and start talking.

"I think I have feelings for Baz. Romantic feelings. I think I'm gay. A-and...in class...Baz looked at me when he was stammering. And we had this-this look. This kind of soft look. And awed too. And I just realised that he can easily use this to his advantage. But before I start accepting all of this, I need to know that this isn't some plan. And...I haven't worked out my sexuality yet. I just figured that I could do that later. And I know that we can't ever happen...but Penny, my feelings for him seem strong, and I just-I just can't risk anything like that. I'm the Chosen One. I can't be heartbroken over something like this. And I...I'm sorry."

I don't know what I'm sorry for. I just felt like I like I had to say it. Had to. That it was important. That I had somehow let everyone down by liking Baz because goddamnit, I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to be worrying about saving everyone from the Humdrum, not falling in love with my enemy. This was just...I don't know. 

Penny had this unreadable look the whole time. I couldn't tell what she was thinking and I still can't now. I'm looking at her warily, scared of her reaction.

Finally, she breaks into a soft smile and says "You don't need to be sorry, Simon. No one can control who they love. That's the heart's job. And don't think that just because you're supposed to finish off the Humdrum that you shouldn't have a normal life like any other 18 year old. You deserve to do all those teenage things too. And having feelings for someone is normal and not something you should be ashamed of. And...as for Baz, I kind of already knew you had feelings for him. Not knew, per say. But had a hunch. You were always obsessed with him and talked about him all the time. And you sometimes even indirectly told me that you thought he was good-looking. And honestly, it's not so bad that you have feelings for him out of all people. Sure, politically speaking, it would be wrong. But politicks don't matter. It's what you want. You shouldn't let some other person tell you who you can and cannot love. That's despicable. And I don't think your love for him is as unrequited as you think. He might like you back. And...I'll help you look for a spell. I understand that you're feeling very vulnerable right now with this new information. But I also just want you to know, liking the same gender doesn't make you a bad person. Liking your arch-nemesis doesn't make you a bad person. Love is love. It can happen anytime, anywhere with no explanation. And I think that if you and Baz were friends or more, you would really hit it off. You'd be good with each other."

I love Penny. I love her so much.

She's so understanding of everything and she helped me with my feelings a lot too. Before, I was thinking tat I shouldn't have had feelings for Baz, out of all people. That it was wrong. But now I'm seeing it better. She's right. You can't control who you love. It just happens. And being the Chosen One (I really hate that name) doesn't mean that I shouldn't have a life of my own except for fighting the bloody Humdrum or his 'workers'. And she's okay with me liking boys (and girls, I'm probably bisexual). She's so right. I can't believe I have her as my beat friend. I'm really blessed.

Although, her use of the word 'love' didn't go unnoticed. I was about to correct her, but then I didn't.

I don't know why.

And I really don't think Baz likes me back. That's impossible. He's tried to kill me, for Merlin's sake. Of course, it's unrequited love.

And on another note, _she knew?_

She said so much stuff in her 'speech', but the "I already knew" part is the only one I can focus on right now.

" _What?_ You knew? You mean you actually knew? How? I didn't even know."

"You're not really subtle, Simon. As I said before, you were completely obsessed with him."

"Well, that doesn't necessarily mean that I like him. I could just be a little obsessed. Or have OCD." I argue, but she shakes her head.

"Believe me, Simon. You were obvious. Really obvious. In fact, I think that the only person who didn't know you had feelings for Baz was...well, Baz."

I just gape her, shocked. Wow. I was really that obvious? I mean, I knew I was quite trash at hiding my feelings or opinion about something, but I didn't know I was this trash.

Suddenly, I'm terrified that Baz knew about my feelings and that just makes me more thrilled to have Penny help me find a spell so I can know for sure what's going on.

I shake my head and just concentrate on eating, telling her that we'll do some research about that when she's free. She says she doesn't have any free lessons so we can just got to the library after dinner.

**Penelope**

I'd had enough of Simon constantly blabbing on about Baz and his 'plots'. (I'm pretty sure that he was never plotting something and that Simon was overacting.) I was wondering about when Simon would finally realise what he was actually feeling and him suggesting that we should look up spells to find out what Baz was 'plotting' just sent me over the edge. (I actually found that Baz shutting the notebook like that was suspicious, but I would never admit that in front of Simon. And Simon was probably exaggerating. He does that a lot when it comes to Baz.)

I was snapping at him and I felt really bad doing it. I was supposed to be a good friend, not lecture him and refuse to help. But Simon was just being too unreasonable. 

At least, that's what I thought before he told me everything.

I could tell it was hard for him to tell me. And I knew that whatever he was gonna say was important. So I patiently waited. 

From his facial expressions when he was telling me everything, I could tell he was really insecure about that. He didn't mention a lot about liking boys, so I think that he doesn't have that much problem with that, which I'm glad for. But I could tell he was feeling insecure about all those other things, and he shouldn't.

I meant what I said. I think Baz reciprocates his feelings but I'm not sure. I always catch him subtly watching Simon just as much as Simon talks about him. But there is a good chance that he might not.

I think that Simon really shouldn't care about politicks. Not because I don't like the Mage, but because it's true. The Mage and the Old Families are using Simon and Baz as a pawn in their own game of hatred. I truly think that Baz and Simon would've really hit it off together. They could've become more than friends. But alas, the politicks had already plagued Baz's mind, so he refused Simon's friendship. (At least, I think that's the reason why he didn't take Simon's hand.)

Simon starts bickering with me about how I knew about his feelings before he even knew them. If only he could've seen himself.

I agreed to help him after dinner and that's why right now, I'm sitting in the library on the most far off table with Simon, reading old and ancient books on spells.

We've been sitting here looking for a spell that might help him find out what Baz was writing for a few hours now and have turned up with nothing. Well, not nothing, exactly. We did find some spells on reversing the damage done to the object, but they required much more data and objects.

For example, we found one where the notebook could be put together, but we need a strand of hair of the owner of the notebook and we also need a bit of his blood. And another where the owner of the notebook has to be in the exact spot where they previously were when they demolished the book in some way.

Simon and I agreed that these were all too much work. So now we're trying to find a spell that'll be much easier and won't require anything too hard to retrieve. And will be legal.

It was really hard to find spells that weren't illegal but we managed to find a few. But they were all too hard for me. They were all advanced level spells.

I'm going to have to be the one who spells the ash of the book because we're not sure that Simon will be able to do it. He already has trouble with the easiest spells because he can't control his magic, it would probably end up in a disaster if Simon spelled the ash and it backfired. We would have to explain to the teachers or even the Mage what we were trying to do and why we were doing it. That would cause a lot of trouble. And the news of what we were doing will probably spread through the school like wildfire. Everything spreads like wildfire in Watford.

It's very near to the curfew now, and the library is about to close too. I'm about to tell Simon this and that he should just pick up a couple of books and take them up to his dorm and read them there and I'll do the same when he emerges from the shelves with a thick, fat and ancient book while a grin covers his face from ear to ear. 

"I found it, Penny! I found it!" he exclaims.

He drops the heavy book down on the surface of the table in front of me, on top of the book I was currently reading. He has a specific page opened that's titled "Fixing Spells". There are about 25 spells which don't require anything but are still specific on the page. They're are different spells for different ways the object was broken or demolished. When I turn over to the next page, there are about 10 more there.

"Wow. Did you find the correct spell?"

He shakes his head. "No, but it shouldn't be that hard. I'll just go over them now." He smiles. "Thanks for helping me, Penny." I smile back and hug him.

"But you might wanna go over them in your room because is in about 2-3 minutes and we need to go before we get stuck in the library for the night."

He nods along and closes the book, sticking in a finger on the page of the fixing spells so as not to lose it and stands up, adjusting his jumper. I stand up too and we power-walk out pf the library just before the curfew ends and split paths when we're outside to go our separate ways to our dorms.

**Simon**

I'm really excited that we finally found some spells which will help me fix the notebook. I'm practically slipping over to the Mummers' House and praying that someone doesn't see me doing that.

I race up the stairs and before I walk in the room, I hide the book's title with my hand. (I don't want Baz knowing what I'm about to do.) But when I walk in, I don't see Baz in his bed and I don't hear the shower on in the bathroom, so that means he's not there. Probably draining rats down in the Catacombs or on late football practice. (They've started practicing until late at night to prepare for the big match in just a few weeks. They stay practicing late 3 days out of 5 schooldays in the week. It's Friday today, so they must be practicing right now.)

I put the notebook under the duvet on my bed and decide to take a shower since I don't have any homework to complete and I have some time to go through the book until Baz gets back.

As I strip off in the bathroom, I think about Baz. What was he writing in that notebook? Was he actually plotting my demise? That actually seems quite less likely now. Baz really doesn't seem like the kind of bloke who would make a plan to kill me and then proceed to blush and stutter about it in front of everyone.

I can't stop thinking about Baz in that classroom.

He was writing with such determination shining bright in his eyes, but his mouth was pulled into a sloppy grin. (That's another thing. Nothing Baz does is ever sloppy.) His chin was resting in his palm as he wrote and this one strand of silky, onyx hair kept falling onto his face. He kept pushing it away, behind his ear but it just kept stubbornly falling back. In the end, he just decided to leave it like that. His tongue kept darting put every few seconds to wet his lips and it stayed out for a few seconds before sliding back in. Every once in a while, he would run his hand through his obsidian, shining hair and shake his head as he continued writing. When he shut the notebook and stood up to answer, the blush adorning his cheeks and neck was positively adorable. I had never seen Baz like that and while others may have thought it was weird, I think that it was captivating. The red blossoming on him was matching perfectly with his sudden averting of eyes whenever he met someone's puzzled gaze and his repeated coughing and spluttering. He looked _shy_. (And also beautiful.) And that was definitely not like Baz.

Baz was more cocky and confident and walked into a room with his head held high like no one there was worthy of his presence. He was always full of himself and never doubted his answers on anything because he was smart and he knew it. And he always raised his hand in class with the correct his answer on his tongue without making himself look like a nerd. Baz looked cool whatever he did and he knew he looked cool.

Seeing him like that in class made me feel a little better about myself. Because maybe Baz isn't who he pretends to be. Maybe he's secretly a dork who reads fantasy novels late at night and blushes when his crush gives him attention and compliments and has insecurities like the rest of us too. Maybe he's just a normal human being who actually needs glasses because he reads in the dark too much and likes having his hair played with by someone he loves.

Maybe his bold and self-assured demeanour is a facade because he doesn't want to become a target for bullies and appear weak cause of his intensive insecurities and raging fears and lack of security because his mother died when he was just a babe and then he got Turned into one of those things who killed his mother.

Maybe he's not a villain, or whoever people make him out to be, just a boy. A boy who went through just as much as anyone else did, but has a different way of showing it. 

I believe this.

Baz can't be a villain. He just can't. It's just not correct in this story. He's supposed to be the one person who went through so much shit that now they just don't know the true meaning of love. And then they find someone who also isn't perfect but shows them how to love. Shows them what real love feels like. How it feels to be loved.

Like me.

I know he doesn't feel anything but hatred toward me. He's done enough for me to know that. But how perfect would it be if he did. How amazing. How wonderful and spectacular and brilliant and phenomenal and magnificent.

I don't care what the Mage would say. And how the Old Families would react. I would just give this thing between us a chance. Because. . .

Because. . . I don't know. I don't know why I would do that. Because we both would like each other? No. Because we both would be perfect together? No, we wouldn't be. Because it would be the perfect cliche for a fantasy story? No.

I don't know why.

I just would.

I don't realise that I'm out of the shower and dressed until I'm sitting at the edge of my bed, staring off into space. I snap out of my reveries and look down at the book in my hands.

I shouldn't. I should wait until tomorrow, for Penny to do this. But I can't. I run off to my bag, grab the tiny purse that bas the ashes pf the notebook from it, and run back. I jump onto my bed, cross-legged, and open the book to the pages of the Fixing Spells. (I lost the page when I when I put the book under my blanket. I have to find it again now.)

When I finally find it, I start to go through the spells.

 _Not that one, not that one, not that one, not that one, not-yes! This one._

I finally find the one for 'burned' and read the passage underneath the spell.

_Warning: This is an intermediate level spell. If casted wrong, it will burn the object more than it was before._

_This spell is used to fix an object that has been burned. You will need the ash of the burned object and, for good measure, the owner to cast it. The object must be placed on a hard surface with no other item surrounding it, so that it doesn't backfire and burn any other thing in its way._

_The object will not be fixed. This spell varies on what you want from it. When you’re casting it, you need to concentrate hard on what you want. For example, if it is a toy you want to fix, then think about playing with it when it is fixed._

_What you specifically want is the thing you should be imagining in your head, and then, if all goes correct, the thing will be in front of you. It doesn’t matter what form it is in because the form won’t bother you. The exact thing you need will be right there, in front of you._

_The spell is in Korean (Hangul) and you need to pronounce the words properly for the spell. Since the pronunciation has to be precise, the way to pronounce is written down below._

I’m quivering with anticipation at this point. I know I shouldn’t do this. I’ll probably mess this up somehow with my uncontrollable magic. 

But I’m desperate. I need to know what Baz wrote.

I look at the actual spell, the words I need to utter. It’s quite hard to pronounce the words since they’re in another language so I try them first without my wand or any magic in my words.

Once I know that my pronunciation is precise, I work on my magic.

I need my magic to work perfectly right now. I can’t afford any mishaps.

I focus on getting my magic to my fingertips and I feel this light hum in my body as it does. Just like every other time I lose control, the hum is beginning to grow. It’s rapidly becoming stronger and stronger until I’m sure the people in the dorms next to this one can hear me and smell me. Smell the burning that’s my magic.

But this time, I don’t let it go.

I relax. It’s hard, but I do. The magic in me starts to settle. I don’t dare let it go any further than my knuckles. I let it return back to that light hum as I relax my whole body, my arms and legs and hands and head and my mind. The smell is gone now. Completely gone. I keep the rest of the stronger magic captive as I let the tiniest bit of magic travel over to my fingertips and leak towards the ash as I utter the incantation out.

**“Bultaoruene.”**

The words are soft and small on my tongue and as soon as I say them, I see a small glowing light start to emerge from my fingertips and glide on over to the ash and encircle it. 

I imagine the notebook in it’s whole form. But then I imagine the page. That specific page where Baz was writing. I focus on that page. I keep it in my mind.

The light keepings glowing brighter and brighter, thicker and thicker, until there are waves of light all around the room.

I’m entranced. It looks beautiful.

I feel the magic move all around me. Feel the carefreeness feeling the magic gives off wherever it goes. 

I don’t think it was supposed to do this.But I’m not sure, so I just keep going.

I keep thinking of that page.

The golden rays of brightness suddenly leave all nooks and crannies of the room and all come together at the top of the notebook. They all start circling each other, and a faint hissing sound begins to burn my ears.

They start to move quickly, and the sound grows. I’m confused as to whether this is my magic or the spell itself. But I don’t have time to dwell on it.

In one sudden burst of yellowish white and magickal particles and light whipping to cover all corners of the room and then slowly disintegrate, I see a huge wave of magic right above the notebook, taking the form of a notebook page-Baz’s notebook page -and I see it.

I see what he was writing (or rather, doodling.)

**Baz**

I was on the stairs up to the Mummers’ House, near to the room when I felt it.

The magic.

My first thought was Snow. And that he was going off and kill everyone here. But it wasn’t that.

The feeling and the smell of magic was different.

It was still his magic, I could recognise that. But it was different. It wasn’t like when he was about to go off. It was like. . . him.

Just him.

Simon Snow and his magic.

His magic controlled.

Simon Snow and his marvellous magic being used to its potential, controlled.

I ran up the stairs. 

I had never seen this before. There wasn’t a day when I saw him control his magic and still use it to its potential. And there wasn’t a day when I thought he could.

As I galloped (once again) up the stairs and stood right in front of the door, I was mesmerised. 

There were these beautiful strings of magic and light coming and swirling about around me from under the door, illuminating the dark path from the stairs to the door. They were white with a bit of pastel yellow in colour and they felt like heaven. Actual, pure heaven. I felt like flying, like the whole world was just waiting for me to grasp. . . anything.

To grasp absolutely anything I wanted.

I felt like magic.

And I knew that this was Simon’s magic. Simon’s real magic.

Even though standing there felt like absolute bliss, I knew that something was definitely going on in there, something either horrendous or astonishing. So I knew I had to go in to make sure Simon was okay. But the magic wouldn’t let me leave. I was captivated. Captivated by its utter beauty.

But then, it started to move away. It moved back under the door into the room. I was too stunned to move and see what was going on. And before I could get my bearings, I heard a tiny hissing sound. And it was growing. My ears started to hurt from it and I had to cover them.

And then, all in a flash, it went away. The hissing sound ended, the light glowing inside the room that was visible through the cracks in the door vaporised, and I was left standing there as this wave hit me. The wave, as it passed through me, felt exactly like it had when I was surrounded by those rays of light.

I should’ve just turned back. I should’ve just left.

That would’ve been better. It wouldn’t have hurt and I wouldn’t have felt as much anger as much as I did, walking in that door and finding out what was going on.

But I did anyway.

And now I’m here, standing at the front of the room, door still opened, stunned the second time today, as I watch Snow read and look at everything I had written in my notebook the other day.

I watch as his eyes blow wide open in shock and he gasps, looking over at the tiny sketch of us kissing. His cheeks turn pink and he doesn’t even notice me standing there, gaping at him. His breath hitches even further and his cheeks redden more as his eyes flick over to every part of the page.

I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate that he pulled this. I hate that now, because of his stupid self and his stupid beautiful hair and stupid ordinary blue eyes, my secret is out. He knows.

I bet that was a spell. I bet he had Bunce help him look for that spell and then cast it to see what I was writing. I bet he hates me even more now. I hate him. I hate the world. I hate the fact that the universe played this stupid fucking trick on me.

I turn around to leave and slam the door in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, that ‘bultaeruene’ WAS a bts reference. all my armys, can i get an amen?!


	3. 3

**Simon**

I don't see Baz for the rest of the weekend.

If I had any doubts in the confirmation of my feelings for him, they're all gone now.

After not seeing him for 2 days and knowing that it's because of me, I know for sure that I really, really like Baz. (Not so much so that I think I love him, but I really like him.) (I considered the thought of loving him and it seems quite likely to me, but I don't think that I'm able to accept something so big in such a small matter of time.)

When I was looking over what he wr-drew. . . in my notebook, I guess I didn't hear the door opening or Baz standing there staring at me. And then, I just heard the door slam shut while I was looking over some words for my tombstone with Baz. I was quite far away from the door, but the sound was so loud that it felt like it had been slammed in my face.

And the loudness just led to me inferring that Baz was livid.

And I honestly don't blame him for that.

If I had been in his place, I would be mad too. Fucking indignant is what I would be.

But he didn't know the real reason I did that.

I looked at it from his point of view soon after the door shut and I admit that what I was doing was fucking hysterical. Honestly, who in Merlin's name does that kind of thing? I was acting like a freaking creep, just like in 5th Year.

But that was from his perspective. Not mine.

I'm not sure that what I did can still be forgiven, but I think that it can.

I mean, I had feelings for Agatha but they were never this strong. And I never had these moments with her where I just felt like she was so beautiful (actually, there were some, but they were all platonic) and I wanted to just snog the bloody hell out of her and also have her remain in my life as the most cherished person in my life.

I never wanted to brush away that one strand of hair that kept falling on her face. I never wanted to lose myself and swim in her eyes. (I never even thought her eyes were that pretty. At least, not as much as Baz's.) I never wanted to lie in her arms or have her lie in mine. I never wanted to protect her.

I never felt as hurt as I am right now when we were on breaks or when she was mad at me.

I was just. . . okay with it.

But right now, with Baz, this is different. I want to do all those things. And perilously.

These feelings are strong. And I'm not sure how to cope with them.

But I still feel like the world's smallest person. For doing that to Baz.

I don't know how long he felt this way, how long he wanted me (Dear Lord, that sounds so weird), and I can imagine that he desperately wanted to hide these feelings and I can't really blame him for being this mad at me.

I've done a terrible thing. Even I know it.

And why didn't I know about Baz? Am I that thick? How could I have not figured that out?

Penny was right. She said Baz might reciprocate my feelings and he does.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it, though. I mean, I love it. It's something that I could've imagined wanting for a despicably long time, but never having it.

But that's still something else.

To know that Baz has feelings for me is great, but it won't do me any good. (It might even make things worse between us.)

But to know that Baz reciprocates my feelings and gives me consent to be his boyfriend, to show him how much I like him and how much I want to be his and him mine, is the real thing.

Baz having feelings is nothing that amazing. But Baz willing to work on this weird relationship we currently have and changing it to one that boyfriends have, that's what's really marvellous.

That's what's really matters.

And that's what I have to get him to agree to.

I've spent the whole weekend trying to find him, but he's just. . .vanished. I've looked through the Catacombs, the Weeping Tower, our room, the dining hall (he isn't there for meals), the football pitch, the Wavering Woods, and literally everywhere else. He's nowhere.

I told Penny about what happened and what I saw, and she wasn't really that surprised. Sure, she was because hello, Baz, the super hot, nonchalant football player, making these cute and dorky doodles about someone else? Wow. But then, she did think that it was kind of expected. She confirmed that I was just oblivious, that Baz's feelings for me and mine for him were quite obvious.

I just think she's way too smart for a mage.

We've been looking for Baz together - we even cornered his friends (or rather, minions), Dev and Niall, but they just told us to bugger off - but we haven't found him. I'm getting really worried. I need to explain to Baz why I was doing what I was doing before he gets any wrong assumptions. (Though he probably already has them by now.)

I really just need to explain myself to Baz.

I have an actual chance at being with the person I've liked since most likely 4th or 5th Year. I'm not letting myself screw this up.

I spent the whole weekend discovering every nook and cranny of Watford (well, not every one, but quite a lot) but I hadn't found him.

I spent my Sunday restlessly. I kept squirming in the bedsheets because it was too hot and then I remembered that Baz wasn't here to complain about the window so I opened it but later on, it got too cold and I had to close it again. It went on and on like this all night. I barely got a wink of sleep, and even that was filled with Baz-related thoughts and his whereabouts.

Today, Monday morning at breakfast, I don't see him in the dining hall. I ponder over where he was staying when he wasn't even coming back to the room to sleep. Maybe he's with Dev or Niall. But they have roommates too, Baz can't just barge in on them like they're a motel.

Is he not going to come to class today? Baz has never missed or ditched a class before. Education is just way too important for him for him to pull something like that. If Baz doesn't show up for classes (which is proving to be more and more possible by the passing minute), then there's definitely something wrong. And by that, I mean that he seriously loathes me.

And if he seriously loathes me, then he certainly won't hear out my confession.

I start fidgeting, thinking about what it would be like if I somehow managed to mess this up. If I ruined my chance with Baz. I would definitely hate myself.

And I've probably made Baz hurt a lot too.

He probably thinks that I'm gonna out him to everyone else or make fun of him for having feelings since it's his perspective of me reacting to anything that's embarrassing for him.

My eyes are starting to sting thinking about it.

Baz is probably hating his life just like I am hating mine right now because he thinks that I don't like him. Even if Baz has a calm demeanour, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't get hurt by thinking his (Oh my God, it feels so good to say it) crush has rejected him. If I were in Baz's situation, I definitely would feel hurt.

And how long has he had feelings for me? Is it for as long as I have? If it is, then I simply am the smallest person in the world. (Even if he didn't, though, I would still be the smallest person in the world for doing that to him.)

Penny sees my unshed tears and takes my hand in hers, squeezing tightly. "We'll find him, Simon. Don't worry." she says. 

"Yeah, but would he even talk to me? He probably will hex me straight into tomorrow for invading his privacy. And it was one of the most private kind of privacies. How is he ever going to look at me, let alone listen to me?"

"Hey, just calm down. He might show up for class, you said yourself that he's never missed a class. He probably won't this time too. You just have to catch him at a good time when there are no distractions and just tell him that you have something really important to say," he shakes her head as I start to open my mouth to argue. "I know you think he won't talk to you, but anyone would listen to their crush. And he seems to really like you, depending on the sketches you mentioned. He'll listen, okay? Just stay calm."

I nod then, an finish my breakfast. I spend the whole breakfast like that, just sulking and Penny trying to cheer me up and it not working.

When the bell finally rings, I jump out of my seat to go to my first class. Baz and I have the first class together, and this will tell me whether he's coming back for Monday. 

I almost leave Penny behind, but she runs too and catches up to my fast pace. I stand in front of the door of the room, taking in the fact that Baz could be sitting in there right now and that I could talk to him.

What is it doesn't go well? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if he rejects me for some reason? I keep thinking about the worst ways this could go, and those are the top 3. Penny finally nudges me again and I stumble into the room and look around, scanning the appearance of everyone in the crowd.

And there he is.

Baz.

**Baz**

I wasn't planning on coming to class on Monday, but then I realised that I can't just miss classes to avoid Snow. Education is too serious for me to do something like that and it was just ridiculous. How much longer was I going to hide from Snow? He was going to find me anyway.

I slept in this alcove in the Catacombs that wasn't really visible to someone who wasn't in it the past few nights. I had Dev and Niall bring me some food so I don't starve, and I worked off of those rats.

They were both certainly interested as to why I was sleeping there, but I told them that it was just important. That I had to do it for some kind of project for extra-credit. They told me about how Snow and Bunce cornered them multiple times and demanded that they tell them where I was. They said that Snow said he wanted to talk to me.

I'm not talking to him. I have nothing to say to him. Following me around in 5th Year was bad, but this is a whole other fucking kind of violating someone's privacy. I seriously can't believe he did something like that. I thought he was a heroic person, not a git who goes through other people's private matters.

He's probably asking for me so that he can reject me in person. And he probably wants to 'let me down easy'. He probably pities me so fucking much and that would be perfect way for him to do things: tell your arch-nemesis that you're supposed to kill, whom has deep feelings for you, that you're rejecting them, but do it nicely. Don't seem smug about it and make fun of them. Be the bigger person.

Honestly, that would be more humiliating than him just flat-out rejecting me, without caring about being too harsh or realistic.

I don't want that. I don't want his pity.

(I still want him, though. And that's what I hate the most about this situation. He did an abysmal thing. Even if it was his enemy, he violated someone's privacy. He went out of his goddamn way go make sure he knew what I was writing in that notebook in class. I hate that he did that. It was despicable. But I still love him. I'm still in love with him, nothing changed that. And it hurts. So much. I wish I could just wake up someday and not feel anything for Snow. Not even hatred. I would've actually enjoyed life. It would be better.)

He came looking for me several times in the Catacombs, but I always hid far back in my tiny little alcove and cast an invisible spell on myself. (We haven't learned those spells yet, so Snow wouldn't think about them.)

I didn't want to go to classes on Monday, but I knew I had to.

I couldn't just miss out on classes. That was just plain stupidity.

So I gathered up my courage and when it was breakfast, I sneaked into the room and got ready for classes.

It took precisely 25 minutes to get ready, since I only washed my hair in the shower.

I sneaked back downstairs, careful to avoid the pathways connected to the dining hall or anywhere Snow might be. (He would only be at breakfast at this time, though. He would never miss an opportunity to eat food.)

I was the first person to be in the my first class of the day, which just happened to include Snow and Bunce. I was terribly regretting my choice right about then to come to classes. Staying in that dark, decaying alcove would've been better.

As I waited, I took slow and deep breaths to try to calm myself down. I was gonna see Snow. I was gonna see his reaction. It was gonna be of pity. Such pity.

My heart was pounding. The great Basilton Pitch, blubbering and blushing before and feelings butterflies in his tummy due to some stupid beautiful boy whose rejection he could not take. Merlin and Morgana, what have I become?

I braced myself as I heard the bell ring, indicating that breakfast was over. I tried to calm myself down by breathing deep again as students start to pile in the classroom. I was half expecting them to laugh or snicker at me, but they didn't. There was a tiny part of me that really believed that Snow had told everyone and now I was ruined. But, turns out he didn't.

I kept my eyes on the door, searching for Snow (and Bunce, but just a little bit for her).

And finally, he came.

And now, I am here. Sitting on my desk, looking straight at Snow (and Bunce behind him) and feeling myself blush awkwardly. I abruptly look away from them, turning my attention to the window, suddenly very interested in the football pitch and the light breeze and cool weather outside. I refuse to look at Snow, even when he plops down right onto the seat beside me. I don't even acknowledge him, don't even pay attention to his awkward positioning of the chair to get comfortable, and the weird looks people are giving us since we switched seats for the first time this year in Watford.

I wait impatiently for the teacher to arrive and start the lesson, and when he does, I almost sigh in relief.

I spend the rest of the lecture ignoring Snow and focusing mainly on whatever the teacher's saying. And this time, when the teacher asks me a question, I actually respond with the correct answer in my casual demeanour.

Snow tries repeatedly to get my attention. To get anything from me. For instance, tapping his pen on his desk (which is something that he knows annoys me), dropping his notebook on the floor (which also annoys me) and sighing too loudly (and another thing that annoys me).

Just as the bell rings, I grab my bag and spring from my seat and am out the door before he even calls out to me, just stands there, watching me run away from him cowardly. I want to face him, but I don't have the guts. It already aches to know that I'm outed, I don't want Snow's pity rejection to make me feel even worse.

• • • • •

I skip lunch and just head down to the Catacombs to take a break from all the escaping Snow.

I've been dodging him and his questions and his insinuations that he wants to talk to me all day. I'm not sure if I can keep up with this forever, or at least until he forgets about it. (And something tells me that he won't ever forget about this.) I rest a little in the Catacombs, catching my breath.

Snow kept on sitting beside in all the classes we had together and people kept giving us weird looks. Even a few teachers raised a brow at us before continuing with their lecture. It was so troubling having to jump out of my seat and run across the room whenever the bell was sounded and I'm pretty sure I looked really weird and creepy to other people while doing that.

After the lunch-is-over bell sounded, I stand up and and run (once again) to my next class, which is with just Snow, not Bunce.

(Bunce isn't really helping him out with the cornering me thing, but I'm 100% sure that he told her. He can't keep anything from her. Maybe she decided to take mercy on me and thought it was fair that I only and to deal with one person. For now.)

This particular class is different than the others. It is Magic Words and me and Snow are already assigned seats together, so he doesn't need to switch seats with someone. And throughout the first half of the lecture, he doesn't fidget. He doesn't let out innuendos that he wants to talk to me. He doesn't do all those things that annoy me. At first, I'm suspicious. I think that he's going to pull something because Simon Snow does not give up that easily. (Or maybe he does when it comes to blood-sucking vampire roommates who have feelings for him.) I can't relax and properly comprehend the words Miss Possibelf is saying. And I'm tensed.

But as the period carries on, I start to relax. It's obviously good that Snow isn't doing those things. And I calm down.

Halfway along the period, he drops something, probably a pen. As he leans down to pick it up, I feel a slight tug on my bag whose straps I'm clutching in my hands. I ignore it.

But then it happens once again.

I ignore it then too.

When it happens for the third time, I tug a little on the straps. Big mistake.

He tugs more. And I tug back. Pretty soon, it's like we're playing Tug Of War.

We're both grabbing the bag and pulling on it desperately. And we're both above the desks now, so we're visible to everyone else.

Obviously, Miss Possibelf catches us.

"Mr. Snow and Mr. Pitch. Detention. I would really appreciate it if you don't have fist-fights in my class, or rather, any other class. Come back in this classroom after all classes for today are done." 

I grit my teeth and snatch my bag from him, giving him a glare without meeting his eyes. The bastard is grinning widely. This was most certainly his plan.

I'm going to have to spend detention with him. A whole hour. In the same classroom. Probably alone. (Sometimes the teachers just leave students there with charms cast on the door while they go do whatever they want.)

I don't relax after that. I stay alert for the rest of the lecture though it seems pointless since he already got what he wanted.

I'm not gonna make conversation with him in detention. I won't talk to him. I'll just ignore him like I am doing now.

Once again, as the bell rings, I dash away. But this time, he doesn't call after me.

 **Simon**

I succeed in getting us both detention and I lay off him after that. I'll just talk to him in detention.

He seemed visibly pissed that I got us both detention, now that I think about it. And he knew that I was going to try talk to him so he ignored me even more and stayed tense for the rest of the lecture.

I feel bad about it but I needed something to ensure that I'll have a chance to be alone with him so I can try to talk to him.

I don't try to call after him or follow him after this lecture. I just let him go. I'll have my time with him in detention. (Unless he somehow manages to escape detention. I honestly won't be surprised if he does that.)

The rest of the lectures pass easily.

Bas tenses up when I sit beside him. (I don't really have to sit beside him now that I have a chance to talk to him, but I want to.) He stays tense the whole lecture. I don't fiddle like I normally do (well, just a bit). We remain civilised and don't fight or talk at all.

At last, the day ends and detention comes near.

After the last bell rings, Baz jolts up from his seat like he did the whole day (Honestly, isn't he getting tired of running around?), and dashes out of the room to the Magic Words classroom.

I trail behind him, trudging and trying to think of what I would say. Why didn't I think of that before? I hate that I do some things as an impulse which shouldn't be impulses.

I'll have to tell him how I feel. But when do I say that? How do I start the conversation? How do I reveal what I really think about him? Should I just blurt out that I like him? That seems wrong. If I need some time to adjust to my feelings for Baz, then he deserves to be informed of said feelings easily. He probably spent a lot of time thinking we couldn't be together, this would certainly shock him a lot. He doesn't deserve for me to just blurt it out.

I take a shaky breath as I enter the room and see Baz sitting in the far right corner in the back, and Miss Possibelf sitting on her desk, arranging some papers.

I knock on the door.

"Ahh, yes, Mr. Snow. You've arrived. Please sit down. You'll be here for about an hour. Please feel free to do anything while sitting in your seat and not causing any trouble that will land you in more detention with Mr. Pitch."

I nod and take a seat in the back, near to Baz but mot quite sitting next to him. I'm two seats away from him on his right. He's reading a book, some. . . gay romance? Yeah, that seems right. The title says Carry On by Rainbow Rowell. 

I've heard of that book. It's about two boys who are wizards and secretly have feelings for each other, but they can't ever be together. Because of politicks.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that those 2 boys were like me and Baz.

It looks like a good book, although I can't really believe that Baz reads romance. I shouldn't really be surprised, though. A lot of those doodles and sketches and pieces of writings were quite cliche and also cute.

Also, Rainbow? That's a weird name. Sigh, Normals.

I look up over to Baz and he's got his right pinkie in between his teeth. That means it's a good book. (Whenever Baz likes a book, he chews on his pinkie. He doesn't do it outside of our room though.)

He looks cute like this. His eyes are wide with anticipation and he's blinking really fast (although, I don't know why he's doing that). He's clutching the book really close to his face, as if it'll run away from him if he doesn't hold it tight enough. His eyebrows are drawn together, furrowed. (That means it's at a good part.) (Merlin, why had I not noticed my feelings for Baz?)

He so concentrated that he almost doesn't notice me staring.

He shifts a bit and catches my lovesick staring (but I don't think he knows that it's lovesick), meets my eyes and immediately drops his gaze while a pretty shade of pink starts dusting his pale cheeks.

I smile a little and turn back, thinking about how I could get to talk to him. 

I figured that Miss Possibelf would be leaving us alone. A lot of the teachers do that, and quite frequently. But Miss Possibelf is just sitting on her desk and grading papers.

Fuck.

I guess I have to wait. I can't just start talking to Baz while she is here. We need privacy.

• • • • •

I'm freaking out right about now. We only have roughly 10 minutes left and I still haven't talked to Baz. He has a triumphant look on his face now, as if he figured out my plan to try and talk to him and now he knows that we're running out detention time and I haven't been able to get a moment of privacy so I can't talk.

I'm silently praying Miss Possibelf leaves us. Goes anywhere. Just anywhere. Even the bathroom, that'll have to do. But she isn't. And I'm panicking. I'm pretty sure my magic is leaking and that Baz and Miss Possibelf can smell it. (I was controlling it so well earlier, better than I ever had. I hope that I'll be able to do that again.)

Finally, as if Merlin has finally listened to my desperate pleas, she leaves 5 minutes before the time ends.

"Alright boys, I'm going to hand these papers over to Mr. Tribbiani, and I suspect that your detention will be over before I return. So please, remain seated and when the time is over, leave the classroom because I probably will return late. Maybe." she says as she grabs the stack of papers and her handbag and leaves.

As soon as she shuts the door, my mind goes haywire. What do I do now? I have to talk to Baz. But how? How do I start the conversation again?

I decide to just stop thinking and actually start talking.

I look over at him.

"Uhh, Baz?"

He pretends to be too engrossed in his book to notice me.

"Baz." I say, a little louder.

To my surprise, he answers.

"What, Snow?" His eyes never leave the book and he says this in a disinterested tone, but I can make out the hint of nervousness in it.

"I. . . I think we need to talk."

"About what?" Once again, eyes never stray; bored tone with a hint of nervousness.

"You know what, you git." Suddenly, I'm getting a deja vu. This conversation is all too familiar.

"I really don't, Snow."

"About-about the notebook."

He visibly tenses, shoulders stiffening, jaw clenching. It's hot.

"What is there to talk about? You already know what you so _desperately_ wanted to know. What you searched up special spells for and actually _controlled your fucking magic to find out."_ He spits out. He radiates bitterness off of him, and it's obvious he's still pissed at me. I gulp.

"Baz, I know I did a terrible thing. I shouldn't have-"

"' _Shouldn't have_ '. Yes, that's correct. Why didn't you tell yourself that before you went nosing in my business?" He cuts in.

A part of me wants for him to just let me explain. Another part is really surprised that he's still talking to me.

"I was acting on impulse decisions and that was wrong of me. I was really desperate to find out what you written because-" I start once again, speaking fast, but he cuts me off again.

"Why, Snow? Because you thought I was plotting? Is that it? Couldn't you ever open your mind just this much to realise that maybe I had a life too. That I wasn't always plotting about your death?" He snaps, finally closing shut his book and looking at me with anger in his eyes. His last sentence makes me flinch, and he backs off a bit at that. I guess he feels bad.

"I-I. . . no." I answer quietly. "But, Baz, I have a reason why I was acting so impulsively. I was too scared-"

Once again, I get cut off. But this time, it's the little alarm clock that's on Miss Possibelf's desk, indicating that detention is over.

Baz starts to get up. No.

He grabs his bag and his book and starts stomping away.

And I act on an impulse decision.

"I like you too!" I shout.

He stills and doesn't look back at me but also doesn't continue walking.

"Baz, I. . . I was saying that I was so concentrated on finding out what you were writing in that notebook because before, in the classroom, when Miss Possibelf called on you to answer the question and while you were getting flustered, you looked at me. And not like glares. Like actually looking at me. And I. . . liked it. I liked it when you looked at me like that. It made you look all soft and human. And I felt something for you. Something I recognised from when I felt it when I was crushing on Agatha. It-I liked you. Like that. I realised that in the classroom. And I was freaked out about it because I never noticed these feelings and they were so strong. It was so sudden. And I just realised that you could easily use this to your advantage. You could easily destroy me. So I had to know that - this is gonna sound ridiculous but didn't seem like that at the moment - you weren't making a plan to accidentally make me have feelings for you and then break my heart or something."

Baz laughs a little at that. Just a small chuckle, but I feel a whole lot lighter and I start to move closer to him while talking. He still hasn't turned around.

It never occurred to me that I was violating your privacy and crossing the line. I was just too scared. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. When I first saw what was in there, I was shocked. But then, I was happy. I was happy because we both feel the same way and can try to make it work. The politicks don't matter. And I was so angry at myself for not realising that this would obviously upset you or anyone else snd how wrong it was. I'm so, so sorry, Baz. Just don't be mad at me forever because of this."

I put my hand on his shoulder and turn him around. He's looking at the ground.

"Baz, look at me."

I put my finger under his chin and pull it up. He doesn't protest, just silently whispers, "Is this a prank, Snow? Is this your cruel idea of a joke?"

"No, Baz. It isn't. I would never do something like that."

My voice breaks a little because I don't want Baz to think that I would lie about something this serious to him, and his eyes widen at that.

"Simon," he sighs, and this time, my eyes widen. "I don't—I don't know what to say. I'm not sure I believe you." he says in a tiny voice.

He doesn't believe me? I would never lie about something like this. I'm not a terrible person. But. . . I can see why Baz would think I was joking.

Of course, he would think that I was joking. He's had feelings for someone for (I'm guessing) a long time. Someone who everyone indirectly says that he can't have. Someone who he's been mean to for years and then suddenly when that person finds out, he corners Baz and tells him that he likes him too.

Goodness gracious, why didn't I think of that?

I rack my brain for ways to tell him that I mean this. That I'm not playing some sick prank on him for fun.

And I find one.

"Baz?" I croak out.

He looks at me and my breath hitches.

The coral sunlight of the dipping Sun in the sky is scattered on his face. It makes his pale face glow beautifully. His eyebrows are furrowed once again, but this time in bemusement. His eyes are twinkling and I can see my reflection in them, crystal clear. His eyelashes are perfectly long, curved at the end, and I see a bit of eyeliner. He pulls it off, the handsome prick. His nose is long and slender and perfect too. And his lips. His lips look plump and soft and they look like they're just waiting for me.

So I do it.

I start to lean in a bit and Baz realises what I'm doing, and he sucks in a breath. He stays where he is.

I lean more slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wants to. But he doesn't. And I'm so glad. 

As I close the final distance between us, he closes his eyes softly, before I do, and it's another thing that I love about him.

He does it slowly and gently, without applying pressure on his eyes. His eyes lashes flutter as he does it and I can see a little bit of the whites of his eyes as he closes them. Most people (Agatha) just shut them straight and clench. Baz doesn't do that.

It's such a small feature about him. And I love it. It's perfect.

My lips are moving against his tenderly. There's no rush. Nothing that makes us both speed up. Just deep admiration for each other.

The kiss is fuelled by our many different emotions finally erupting out in the open. I can feel Baz's affection for me in the way he lightly swipes his tongue on my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I grant him it. And I am sure he can feel my yearning for him through the way I'm letting my left hand go through his curtain of black hair and my right hand on his back, pressing him against me. I _want_ him to know how much I like him, to know that I actually feel too strongly for him for this to be anything else other than love but am too scared to say it out loud, because this is all so new.

And when we break apart years later; when I rest my forehead against his forehead and we both breathe heavily, trying to catch our breath; when he lets out a soft laugh and smiles a tiny smile just barely conspicuous on his face, I know he knows.

I want to kiss him again. And I try to, but he doesn't let me.

"Wait, Simon," he starts, "I really, really want this. So badly. No less than how much you want it. But we can't. 

I frown and drop my hand from his back.

"What?"

"We can't. Simon, you're. . . you have important things to do, like save the world. And no one would ever approve of this."

"And it's not just that," he adds when he sees that I'm about to protest. "Simon, I'm a monster. A. . . vampire. You don't wanna be with someone like me. It's too dangerous for you. And—and we're different. We hardly have the same opinion on things. We're fight all the time. Who's to say that this will actually work out?" he says, weakly.

"Baz, you're not a monster—"

"Yes, I am, Snow."

"Let me finish. You're not a monster. You've lived with me and slept in the same room as me for 7 years, Baz, and you never once tried to drain me. And it must've been so hard for you. But you never did it. You always kept yourself back. You're so brave, Baz.

He scoffs. "Me, brave? I think you're mistaken, Snow."

"'Simon'," I say, correcting him. "And yes, Baz, you are. You fight off your needs everyday and you still act like a git and a perfect human to everyone. And you've done this for years. And Baz, even if we're different from each other. We still need to try. There's still a chance that it could work out if we just try."

"Why, Simon? Why should we try?"

"Because. . . ," and I'm stumped.

It's the same question I asked myself the night I performed the spell, but I couldn't think of anything. Anything that might give a logical reason as to why we should try. 

I'm racking my brain for one now, because I want to tell Baz that we should try. But why? He's right. Why should we try?

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out the meaning of the word 'love'. I never had any real family to love, to get loved. Even when I came to Watford and made Penny as a best friend, I still don't know the real meaning of love. And it scares me. It scares me that I don't know it and that I want to know it. And it also scares me that someday, someone might break me so much that I will forget the meaning of love again. I've lost so many people in my life, people that have never even been in my life, so it scares me so much. It scared me when I was with Agatha, terrified me.

But even if this happens, I want to learn the meaning of love. With Baz.

Because. . . I deserve it.

"Because we deserve it, Baz," he looks taken aback by my sudden epiphany. "We both deserve it, Baz. I've spent my whole life in boys' homes and I never understood what loving someone felt like. Or having someone love you just as much as you love them. And I always felt scared of love, that I don't know what it means and if I do, then what if I break and forget it again. Who will remind me what it means? But now, I want to learn the meaning of love with you, Baz. I had such a shitty childhood and now I'm burdened with saving the world, it's like the universe has finally given me an _opportunity_. An opportunity to be _happy_. To actually live life _wanting_ to. Not feeling obligated to. And I want to take it. And I know you feel the same way, Baz. This is an opportunity for you too. This is a chance for you to be _truly_ happy and not fake it." I say with desperation in my voice.

Baz shakes his head at me.

"How, Simon? You don't even know me well enough to—" he gulps and I watch his Adam's apple bob up and down "—fall in love with me."

"Then let me know you," I say, looking into his pools of grey. "Let me know you well enough to fall in love with you."

His face neither hardens nor softens, and after a moment, he smashes his face into mine, kissing (rather snogging, actually) me with that desperation that was lacking in our first kiss.

He pushes and I push back. He nibbles at my bottom lip and I sigh into his mouth. It's all a huge mess of tongue, desperation and rawness. It feels like standing there naked, all our deepest desires and secrets and scars exposed, letting ourselves be defenceless and vulnerable to each other, willingly.

Finally, he breaks apart and says, "Okay."

**Baz**

We stay there snogging for what feels like hours and only seconds and the same time.

I'm sitting on a desk and Sn-Simon's slotted between my legs. My arms are around his neck and his are around my waist, gripping me possessively. We barely break apart an inch to catch our breaths before continuing.

I guess we're boyfriends now. Wow.

I don't really know what to say.

I don't really _want_ to say anything.

I just want to cherish this. What we have right now.

Simon was right. We do have a chance now. To live happily.

I have chance to be with the boy I've been in love with since 1st Year. Wow.

I'm willing to try. Try to make ourselves compatible to each other.

We are quite different and it's hard to maintain a relationship that way. A lot of people have broken up this way. Majority of them. I stand by this point.

But what's different is that I'm willing to try and keep trying. For him. Simon Snow. _My_ Simon Snow.

And he is too. I can tell.

I want to be with him. It will be hard. It won't be all sunshines and rainbows. There will be dark times, with the politicks and our personal relationship. But we'll fight against it. In those other relationships, it all went down to whether the couple loved each other enough to keep fighting against the world, and a lot of them gave up. It will be the same choice in this relationship. We both have the choice. To leave or stay and keep fighting together.

I choose fighting together.

And I have a feeling that Simon does as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made an instagram account for anyone who wants to follow me ☺️ the username is softbookboi

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked the first chap. this is going to have only like a max of probably 3 chaps and they wont take long to post. kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


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